danged if you do

I can't take criticism at all, really. I'm an inveterate weasel. Should anyone say anything remotely critical or even neutrally corrective (i.e., "There's a better way to do that"), my self-esteem and dignity throw themselves out of the window. Depending on my opinion of the other person, I'll either (a) equivocate by saying "I'm rusty" or "I'm trying my best," or (b) deny everything to save face. Rarely, very rarely will I ever respond to criticism by saying, "Is that so? Thank you for telling me. I'll try to do better next time." A deplorable situation. But that is not the point. Being unable to take criticism is one thing. But, it seems, I can't take praise either. I have an extremely odd way of dealing with praise. When I'm in company, I'll look down at the ground, go red, mumble an refutation, and scuff the dirt with my toe.When I receive a compliment electronically, however, I turn into something like a zealously rehearsing actor with Tourette's. I jump up and wander about the house, giggling eerily and repeating odd snatches of movie lines and book excerpts. I'm not sure why this happens. Perhaps this is my inherently modest psyche's way of deflecting praise: leaving the room and pretending to be somebody else. Or maybe my joy at being recognized for something overwhelms my puny brain and sends me into a hurtless form of schizophrenia. I've heard that, across cultures, there are a variety of ways in which praise is received. According to the brief-but-informative international etiquette guide Behave Yourself!, it is unnecessary to deny a compliment or be self-effacing in the United States, as it is in some other places. If someone compliments you, accept it and say "thank you." Whereas in Asian cultures, it's not only common, but actually considered the norm to deny any compliment you're given with a self-deprecating statement. In China, people will never come out and say "no." Saving face is so important to them that they will use very gentle negatives like "I'll consider it" to preserve the other's dignity. In Japan, when giving a gift, one commonly says tsumaranai mon ("It's nothing special"). In Singapore, if you even express disagreement with someone you don't know very well (thus causing them to lose face), you can be viewed as pushy or hostile. Diplomacy, correctness, and indirect dissension are the keys to politeness. I routinely do all three of these things. I hate to just flat-out say "no way" to people. So instead I'll say mealy-mouthed things like "I'll think about it," or "You have a point," or "Perhaps next time." Whenever I give somebody something, and they're gushing over it, I invariably say "Oh, it's not much," or "It's the least I could do." I tend not to disagree with people at all the first time I meet them (particularly beautiful women). I'm afraid I'll impress them as being argumentative or disagreeable. It's only after I get to know them that I begin to dissent with whatever wrong-headed, idiotic opinions they may have. So what does this mean? Well, it confirms something I've suspected for a long time. I'm a closet Asian. I'm turning Japanese. I was this way even before I went to Korea, so it must be something hidden deep within my genetic makeup. Perhaps my great-great-grandfather wasn't from Prussia like Ancestry.com says. Maybe he was a Sino-Korean transplant from Manchuria and immigrated to Prussia before marrying my great-great-grandmother (who had an Asian fetish before it was cool) and subsequently immigrating to the States from there. I'm sure any genealogist or psychiatrist could give me a categorical answer on this one. But he or she had better be careful in phrasing their diagnosis, or I might get up and start stalking around the office, grinning and muttering movie quotes to no one.