2. Give my characters names like "Rita Book" and "Justin Thyme" on The Oregon Trail.
3. Argue that the main characters of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann are the pinnacle of manliness.
4. Croon "O Tannin Bomb" as I'm opening a bottle of red wine.
5. Watch Monty Python sketches on YouTube for hours on end.
6. Or Bugs Bunny cartoons.
7. Or episodes of Cheers.
8. Liking the Black Keys does not make me an "honorary hipster."
9. Consume a can of mixed nuts and a bottle of beer and call it an appetizer.
10. Demand that my students use the phrase "sock puppets" in every essay they write.
11. Watch the climactic scene in The Road Warrior while listening to "Yakety Sax."
12. Not listening to K-pop does not make me Nietzsche's Übermensch.
13. Finish all my sentences with the word "TOASTY!"
14. When cooking bacon, I am to actually chop the bacon into bite-size pieces rather than thwack at it with a blunt knife until it's in barely-digestible chunks.
15. Walking down five flights of stairs does not count as exercise.
16. Advance the theory that Jim Morrison is actually kind of a poet.
17. Refer to Kim Jong-un as "Jackie Flan."
18. Hang a sign on my cubicle wall that reads 'THE DOCTOR IS IN' during office hours.
19. Pretend I know jack squat about British, Irish, Australian or New Zealand politics.
20. Complain about the mysterious brown and green stains in my copy of The Bartender's Bible.
21. "To Serve Man" is not the best Twilight Zone episode.
22. Refuse to shave and claim that I'm saving money on razor blades.
23. Before spraying the bathroom walls down with bleach, I must remember to remove towels and toothbrushes from the area.
24. At the Mountains of Madness is not H.P. Lovecraft's annual family camping trip.
25. Intimidate my pupils with French if they complain that English is too hard.
26. Clean my glasses with my necktie.
27. Cooking with vodka is not an excuse to do frequent taste tests.
28. Name every chapter of my novel after a classic rock song.
29. I am not permitted to sell the extra pistol ammo I pick up during side missions in RAGE. This is called war profiteering.
30. Play air piano along with David Bowie's "Life on Mars?"
31. The fire alarm does not signify that North Korea is invading.
32. "Motorcycling through South America" is not a valid reason for a sabbatical.
33. Use hashtags on Facebook in the name of satire.
1 comment:
Yeah...I don't know about all that, but I just noticed that while I was reading the list, the mountain in the background appeared to be growing.
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