inspired by Smithy

There are a lot of people I could talk about in terms of inspiration. Indiana Jones, for one. Jeez, I've wanted to be that guy ever since I was twelve. H.G. Wells, for another. Writing in the late nineteenth century, he managed to predict the invention of airplanes, lasers, space flight, space-time manipulation, and bio-weapons, and do a damn creepy job of it.

But right now I'd like to talk about my friend Smithy, over at smithyblogs. Now there's an inspiring man for you. He always says what he thinks, and means it. He doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about naysayers or detractors. He just up and opines. I like to think I'm the same way, but I'm not. I'm a weasel. Smithy's the genuine article, and that's a woefully rare thing in this day and age. Smithy siphons this exceptional quality into an equally inspiring medium: sports rants. Being a Brit, Smithy was born and naturalized a soccer football nut from Day 1. Being from Manchester...well, presumably you've heard of the legendary Manchester United football team. They're the only one that most Americans have ever even heard of. (What other teams are there? What, like, maybe Arsenal?)

So let's just say that football (meaning soccer) is a subject near and dear to Smithy's heart. And he expostulates upon it with passion, verve and vehemence. Check out his latest update, a rundown of the results of the predictions he made a few weeks ago, a tirade against Chelsea, a word about the British election, and the Seoul Friendship Festival, which, from Smithy's description, sounds like the only celebration in South Korea during which English sausages may be had in profusion. I heartily enjoy standing before Smithy's soapbox and listening to his match breakdowns, season reports, and sportsman's proselytizing. Not only are they entertaining and often hilarious, but they provide a valuable sort of secondhand education for me. I'm learning that, yes, there are other teams in England besides Man U and Arsenal. Smithy drops a lot of names that I have to run to Wikipedia to look up. It's educational, both in regards to the sport itself and my own cultural awareness. Or lack thereof.

So I've decided, as any upstanding and humble apostle would, to copy him. I'm going to ape Smithy. I'm starting up a new installment on this here blog (title to be announced), concerning what's happening with my team, predictions for future games, how the season's shaping up, players, enemy teams, breakdowns, tirades, commiseration, the works. (I apologize to any women in the audience whom I may be turning off.)

Trouble is, we haven't really got a soccer league in this country. Well, okay, yeah, we do. Major League Soccer. But you never hear or see it anywhere. Okay, yeah, they're televised by ESPN, ESPN2, and Fox Soccer Channel (hey, whoa, Fox has a whole channel devoted to soccer?!) but that's about it. The last sports bar I was in had maybe one or two television screens devoted to MLS. The remaining eighty-three were busy depicting the Lakers getting themselves kinged by Oklahoma City. I played soccer for four years and reffed it for two (which means that, yes, I once understood the bloody offside rule). I love soccer. Great game. But I don't feel as though I'm qualified to speak on it, not to the degree and depth that Smithy does. I think I know football gridiron a bit better, especially now that I'm following a team religiously. Smithy's already got the market cornered on soccer rants anyway.

So let's get to it, then. We had a heck of a season in San Diego last year, but there were still a few...erm...problems. We started slow, as usual. Denver beat us hollow and in Pittsburgh...well, let's not talk about that. Some of the fans stated clattering for Coach Norv Turner to be sacked. But things started picking up again as the season went on. The thing about Turner, I hear, is that he really comes through when the chips are down. The grudge match against Denver went well (32-3) and we slaughtered every NFC East team in our way, winning 18 games in a row. Our 13-3 run for the sun was tragically cut short in the last round of the playoffs, thanks to three—count 'em—three missed field goals by Nate Kaeding. New York went on to face Indianapolis and their hick quarterback Peyton Manning, a full-size poster of whom I had to stare at in middle school homeroom in Oak Ridge, when he was still playing for the University of Tennessee. Indianapolis then went on to lose against the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl XLIV. Ha ha ha, I suppose all's well that ends well, eh?

Needless to say, some changes in the lineup were in order. The draft was back in April, but I've gotten some news that San Diego recently signed Nick Novak for a one-year contract. Don't know much about the man, myself. A Virginia native, Novak graduated from the University of Maryland, and has played for Washington, Arizona and Kansas City. He made 13 out of 20 field goals while playing for the Redskins and the Cardinals, and his average was 6-10 with the Chiefs. (That's a lot better than Kaeding's 1-4, that's for dang sure.) Novak's six feet and 198 pounds, which is a bit heavy for a kicker, I reckon, but maybe he'll be able to put a little extra meat behind his punts, who knows? Now, ostensibly, Novak has been signed to "fill in" for Kaeding, who is still recovering from a groin injury sustained prior to the 2010 Pro Bowl. Yeah, right. What a load of hogwash. I think Kaeding's groin was actually injured by the business end of a patent-leather shoe, heading straight up at about 40 miles per hour. There were about 30,000 people in Qualcomm Stadium last January who would've loved to have their foot in that shoe, let me tell you. I'll bet you anything ol' Nate won't be coming back for the 2010 season. Or if he does, he'll be third string, easy. Novak's been signed to replace him. After three missed field goals, one could hardly expect otherwise.

In other draft news, the Chargers picked up no less than twenty rookie free agents in April, from schools all over the country: Fresno State, Eastern Oregon, West Texas A&M, Southern Methodist, even Cornell! If I watched college football I'd probably know more about these guys, but I don't. Sucks having a seven-to-five job and trying to write for a living; you don't have much time for the idiot box. But I'm looking forward to seeing them all in action. The three to watch seem to be Ryan Mathews, Donald Butler, and Darrell Stuckey. Mathews is a running back from Fresno State who's got 1,808 rushing yards and 19 touchdowns to his credit. We secured him by trading picks with Miami; we got their first-round, fourth-round and sixth-round picks, while they got our first-, second- and fourth-round picks. We also traded the Dolphins our inside linebacker Tim Dobbins. To replace him, we got Butler from the University of Washington. At a hulking 245 pounds, Donald nearly racked up his weight in tackles, knocking out 238 enemy players when he was with the Huskies. Only four of those were sacks, however. Stuckey opened the third day of the draft pick. San Diego snagged him from Kansas, where he played both safety positions; but the plans are for him to play mostly strong safety. That's fine by me. Stuckey's 5'11" and 205 pounds, which makes him heavier than the free safeties we've got. But he's not too porky to move around and still get some coverage done. He has 295 tackles to his name, too, which means he must be doing something right back there.

I'll be the first to admit I don't know all the names of the players on my team. I didn't recognize Dobbins's. I don't know why I never noticed him out there, but I have a few ideas. When I'm watching a Chargers game, I'm usually too absorbed in the Holy Trinity of LaDainian Tomlinson, Darren Sproles and Philip Rivers to notice much else. Or rather, I used to be too absorbed in the Holy Trinity. Philip Rivers, our able quarterback, and Darren Sproles, Mr. Greased Lightning himself, the Artful Dodger, the un-catchable running back, are still around. For reasons I can't explain, the Chargers released Tomlinson in March. If I was to tell you that "I could crawl into a hole and shoot myself right now," you'd have to laugh and tell me to get serious, because you'd know that in order to adequately express how I feel about losing Tomlinson (to the New York JETS, for f***'s sake), I'd have to crawl into a hole, castrate myself with a rusty razor, poke out my eyeballs with sharpened Popsicle sticks, commit hara-kiri, light myself on fire with a blowtorch and then shoot myself. After nine seasons, 138 touchdowns, 12,490 yards, and more NFL records than Jesus H. Christ, LaDainian Tomlinson is no longer on my team. Excuse me, I have to go find a blowtorch.

Anyway, even with Tomlinson gone, I reckon Rivers and Sproles will still make out. With a pool of free agents that size, and a new kicker, I have high hopes for San Diego in the 2010 season. I'm depressed that we don't get to play Oakland until October, though. Those bastards are IN for it. More about that later. I'll continue checking up on the news, and if anything interesting happens I'll blog about it. We should be in the doldrums for a while, though. I'm not sure if the preseason is going to be worth covering. But even that doesn't even start until August.

So, all other things being equal, I'll see you then... Thanks for the inspiration, Smithy.