cram it

A saphead I am, and a saphead I shall remain. I actually thought, as I walked to the car one frigid December night in North Dakota in 2007, having successfully skidded my way through three and a half years of college, that I was done with studying forever. I wish the Knight-Who-Hits-People-With-A-Chicken from Monty Python's Flying Circus had come clanking across the parking lot and hit me with a chicken right then. Boy, was I barking up the wrong tree. Why did I ever think I was finished with studying? I mean, I knew I was going to try and get a pilot's license and all. And I knew as soon as I stepped into the ground school classroom back in February of '08 that I was in for a trial. Private pilots have to know Bernoulli's theorem, basic principles of electrical circuits, meteorology, the Federal Aviation Requirements (dozens of them), airspace and safety rules...I could go on and on. We also have to know what the word "camber" means, what the angle of incidence is, what to do if your engine dies or you lose your electronic instruments, how far you have to stay below clouds in VFR conditions in Class B airspace, and hundreds more factoids of that ilk. I've been trying to review all this for the past two weeks (in anticipation of taking my pilot's exams and checkride before February's out). But let me tell you, trying to cram when you haven't so much as peeked at the material for nigh on two years is...something of a challenge. But it gets even worse. On top of this, I'm trying to simultaneously get through bartender's school. It's a lot easier, sure—just memorizing drink recipes and various mixing tricks—but therein lies the problem. My memory, never the best, is being frayed thin by it all. At any given time I might have the ingredients of a gin and tonic or a Freddy Fudpucker bouncing around in my head, ricocheting off Bernoulli's theorem and principles of aerodynamics and stall recovery. (I'm also still trying to edit my novel, but I'm beginning to view that more and more as a leisure activity.) It's maddening. I don't know how I'm going to get through it all. This is worse than anything I ever faced at college. There, I could just roll out of bed, eat a bowl of Cheerios, glance over my notes, skim the textbook, slope off to class, sit for the exam, go play campus golf with the fellas, and execrate my bad-but-passing grade later. I can't do that now. If I don't pass bartender's school I'll have no income. If I flunk my pilot's exams I'll be delayed in my pursuit of happiness—and be out of $500. And if things are this bad now, what are they going to be like later? I'm not going to stop at just your ordinary average everyday garden-variety pilot's license, you realize. I'm shooting for a commercial pilot's license. That takes time and money. How much time and money? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'll list the requirements for a commercial pilot's license right here and now. This is what I'm going to have to go through in order to achieve my pie-in-the-sky dream of having an international air service. FAR 61.129 [Aeronautical Experience] [Excerpt] For an airplane multi engine rating:

If you are applying for a commercial pilot certificate with an airplane category and multi engine class rating, you must log at least 250 hours of flight time as a pilot (of which 50 hours, or in accordance with FAA Part 142, a maximum of 100 hours may have been accomplished in an approved flight simulator or approved flight training device that represents a multi engine airplane) that consists of at least:

1. 100 hours in powered aircraft, of which 50 hours must be in airplanes.
2. 100 hours of pilot in command flight time, which includes at least 50 hours in airplanes, and 50 hours in cross-country flight in airplanes.
3. 20 hours of training on the areas of operation as listed for this rating, that includes at least 10 hours of instrument training of which at least 5 hours must be in a multi engine airplane, 10 hours of training in a multi engine airplane that has a retractable landing gear, flaps, and controllable pitch propellers, or is turbine-powered, one cross-country flight of at least 2 hours in a multi engine airplane in day VFR conditions, consisting of a total straight-line distance of more than 100 nautical miles from the original point of departure, one cross-country flight of at least 2 hours in a multi engine airplane in night VFR conditions, consisting of a total straight-line distance of more than 100 nautical miles from the original point of departure.
4. 10 hours of flight time performing the duties of a pilot in command in a multi engine airplane with an authorized instructor on the areas of operation as listed for this rating, which includes at least one cross-country flight of not less than 300 nautical miles total distance and as specified, and 5 hours in night VFR conditions with 10 takeoffs and 10 landings (with each landing involving a flight in the traffic pattern) at an airport with an operating control tower.

Permitted credit for use of advanced flight training equipment:

Except when fewer hours are approved by the Administrator (FAA), an applicant for a commercial pilot certificate with an airplane, helicopter, or a powered-lift rating who has satisfactorily completed an approved commercial pilot course conducted by a training center certificated under FAA Part 142 of this chapter need only have a total of 190 hours for an airplane or powered-lift rating and total of 150 hours for a helicopter rating to meet the aeronautical experience requirements of this section. FAR 61.129 really freaks me out. In order to get a commercial pilot's license for a multi-engine rating, I need 250 hours of flight-time. To put that in some perspective, you only need 40 hours to get a private pilot's license. A mere 40 hours. And those 40 hours still depleted the savings I'd socked away in Korea, several thousand dollars. Who knows what this is going to cost, or how much time it'll take, or how hard the final exam is going to be? I've made a vow to be done with both bartender's school and my private pilot's license by the end of this month. I'm taking my last review lesson with Harold on Wednesday the 17th, and I'm going to knock off the last two time-trials at bartender's school in the next two Mondays, and take the final on Saturday the 27th. [Gulp] Wish me luck. Goodness knows if my poor abused brain will be able to take the punishment, and retain all the information necessary to pass a written, oral, and practical flight exam, plus a comprehensive six-minute time-trial covering roughly 100 drinks. Let's hope Dad's luck kicks in again.