School of Hooch (the second round)

You might be wondering exactly how bartender's school is going. I haven't blogged about it in a while, because, frankly, I only go two days out of the week, and not much happens. I go, I listen to a lesson or two, I practice for a while, take the time-test that I've studied for, and then go home. If I'm lucky enough to get out by 3:30, I can beat the traffic home on the 15. (I run the gauntlet on my way back north: I have to pass the interchanges at the CA-60, Interstate 10, and the 210. Traffic never fails to stack up around these interchanges during rush hour; when it gets really bad, I can spend an extra 30-45 minutes getting home. If I get out before 3:30, though, traffic usually isn't heavy enough to cause problems.) I'd like to share some more details about this school, the people there, what my routine is, and what my progress has been. That is if you're interested. The first thing you see when you come inside the Riverside Bartender's School is the job placement center, which consists of a room with a table and a phone. You can see what's inside this room because there's a plate-glass window in the wall. To the right is the instructor's office. To the left is a big overstuffed couch, facing away from you. Looking further to the left, you see the schoolroom itself; stepping down from the entryway onto a red and black tile floor, you enter it. It's a long, semicircular bar, shaped like a backwards L with a serif at the tip. Ranged behind this bar, at intervals, are several intoxicating (pun intended) collections of bottles, all shapes and sizes, filled with colored water. Behind the bar is what you'd normally expect to find there: sinks, faucets, ice boxes (known as "jockey boxes"), wells with standard liquors, mixers next to the jockey boxes, drain boards, coffeepots, blenders, and a whole bunch of neat stuff. On top of the bar are the tools of the trade: shakers, jiggers, mixing spoons, mixing glasses, strainers, garnishes (plastic, of course, for teaching purposes), and other implements. All are arranged cleanly and neatly. There's even a computer with a POS program running, so you can practice with that. Students sign in when they walk in the door, to keep track of how many hours they've studied. Generally it takes about 100 hours to complete the course. I don't know how many it's taken me so far, but I'm probably in the 40-50 hour range, because I've done with 4 out of 10 time-tests. That is to say, I've sat for the lessons; made flashcards out of the drink recipes; practiced with these flashcards at home until I've memorized the drinks; come to school and practiced making the drinks in under six minutes; and then had one of the instructors time me and sign me off for the lesson. I was startled, thoroughly startled, by the variety of people who are interested in being bartenders. I've seen gray-haired ladies studying flashcards at the desks; tattooed fellows with untucked shirts beyond count; glamor girls with perfect hair, a surfeit of makeup, and nails that would frighten small children; clean-cut collegiate-looking young men; sweatshirt-clad girls in tennis shoes, looking for something exciting; and many others. I've talked with a few of these folks. Some of them were born as far away as South Dakota or Long Island. Lots of them had dreams that didn't quite work out the way they'd planned. So here they are, in Southern California, the glitz capital of America, learning the ways of hooch. Must be a world away from what they're familiar with. I only wish I had the time to sit down and interview them all. I'll bet there's a really good novel in it somewhere. I started out on Lesson 4, two-liquor drinks (rusty nails, godfathers, sombreros, and so forth). It was pretty easy. I actually was able to mix all twelve drinks on the time-test in under four minutes. Then I moved to Lesson 1, cream drinks. That was harder. You don't just pour cream drinks. You actually have to shake and strain them, and chill a stemmed glass while you do. It takes a bit of practice to get the motions right. But I passed that lesson with little trouble. The most recent tests I took (Monday) were from Lesson 2, highballs and mixed drinks. Yes, I said tests, plural. Lesson 2 is a big one. There are 39 drinks to memorize, so many that the time-test is actually split into two sets. You have to make one set of twelve drinks in under six minutes; and then mix the second set of twelve drinks in under six minutes, too. You don't have to do the tests back-to-back, but you must pass both to pass Lesson 2. That's why I went to school on Monday instead of my usual Friday or Saturday. Monday through Thursday the school is open from 10-10. I figured that would give me enough time to practice for and take both tests. I was right. After about three hours I took Set 1. I made sure the orange juice (a storm pourer filled with orange-tinted water) and my ice box were both filled up, and called an instructor over. She sat across the bar from me, looking amicable enough. She hit the "start" button on the timer and said, "Melon ball." I snatched the collins glass, bent down, and scooped a precise amount of ice cubes into it (as I'd practiced endlessly). Straightening in a flash, I grabbed the vodka bottle from the well, counting to four as I poured (thus adding a precise ounce of vodka to the drink). I deftly replaced the vodka, snatched the orange juice, and filled the glass almost to the top. I turned 'round, laid hold of the Midori, picked up the mixing spoon, and prepared to float a half-ounce of melon liqueur. Tanya gently lifted the spoon out of my hands. "Just pour in a circle," she reminded me. A little red-faced, I did as ordered. And there was the melon ball, orange and green, looking ready-to-imbibe. I saw Tanya make a little note on the test sheet in front of her: 28 seconds. I was two seconds ahead of schedule already. Yes! "Salty dog," Tanya said. Rocks glass, salt on the rim (pretend; we don't actually have salt at school), ice, an ounce of vodka, fill with grapefruit juice. Fifty seconds. "Bacardi Dark and Coke." Highball glass, ice, an ounce of rum, fill with Coke (again, pretend Coke; it's just dark-colored water that comes out of the speed gun). One minute nine seconds. "Old-fashioned." Ah, this one had been especially tricky to memorize. Old-fashioned glass, orange wedge, sugar cube, cherry (again, all plastic), splash of tonic, two dashes bitters, mash. Add ice, one ounce of bourbon, cherry on top. Minute thirty-nine. And so it went: a baybreeze, a slow comfortable screw, a tequila sunset, a Bloody Mary, an Absolut madras, a C.C. Presbyterian, a Freddy Fudpucker, and finally a Californian. Final time? Five minutes and two seconds. I'd beaten the time limit by nearly a minute, even with such nightmarishly complex drinks as old-fashioneds and Bloody Marys. I was euphoric, and glad I'd taken the time to hit the flashcards so hard, and practice for a few hours before taking the test. That allowed me to memorize not only the drink recipes but also the different glasses necessary for each. "Good job," Tanya said, signing me off. Okay, one down, one to go. I immediately got out the flashcards for the second set and began to practice it. I was relieved to discover that it was a lot easier than the first set. Mostly highballs. It took me barely half an hour to get to where I felt comfortable taking the test. Wade, the school's owner, came over to test me this time. One fuzzy navel, tequila sunrise, seven and seven, Harvey Wallbanger, Stoli screwdriver, Crown Royal and water, Beefeater and tonic, Cuba Libre, sex on the beach, Cutty Sark and soda, Cape Cod, and Gold Driver later, I had passed Lesson 2. Final time: four minutes and one second. Feel free to bask in my awesomeness. The only lesson I haven't sat for is Lesson 3 (the triumvirate of the martini, Manhattan, and Rob Roy). It's widely acknowledged as the hardest lesson, too, I hear. Lessons 5 and 7 are both two-parters like Lesson 2; I might leave them for now and let my brain recuperate. So I think I'll start memorizing Lesson 6, coffee and wine drinks. Then when I go in next on the 20th (to sit for Lesson 3) I can also get the time test for Lesson 6 knocked off, and be exactly halfway done with bartender's school. Wish me luck.