Before I do anything, I would like to direct you to the Page Turners Book Club, run by fellow blogger and amazing writer Carrie, from [carrotspeak.] The book review for the day is one of MINE! Ta-DA!
I'm immensely flattered and honored by this (thanks, Carrie), and I would suggest you go check out the above links, pronto.
As in, right now. Before you read any further.
Hey, did you hear what I said?
I said, "Go over there and read that stuff right now," dang it!
I'm waiting...
You'd better drag your sorry carcass over there in the next five seconds, buster, or I'll come vaulting through that fiber-optic cable and give you a swift kick.
Okay, okay, fine. I'll finish what I was going to say here, if it'll mollify you.
I caught a glimpse of my future today, and it wasn't pretty.
With a little help from my folks, I realized that I have dropped an enormous chunk of my hard-earned pay—money I don't have—to go to England. I really, really don't have the money to go anywhere right now. Now is not the time. This trip has broken me, people, and I'm not even over there yet. I don't even have enough money for iTunes downloads anymore. This is a deplorable state of affairs. Poverty is the pits, as Scrooge McDuck once truthfully proclaimed. There's so many things I need right now. A new pair of work boots, for starters. My old ones have no tread left. A pair of noise-reducing headphones, for another—the Mooney is such a loud plane that my ears are ringing after every flight, even through my regular run-of-the-mill Dave Clark. Oh, and did I mention that it's taken me six months to finish a two-week bartender's course? And that I have only three or four hours left to fulfill the requirements for a private pilot's license? And that I should really hurry the hell up and finish?
Thanks to Ma an Pa, it suddenly occurred to me tonight just what a foolish thing I've done. Frivolous. Unwise, too. I haven't got my priorities straight. This is my future we're talking about here. So far I've been fooling around and mooning about. I should've been finished with my bar-tending stuff months ago. By rights I should be finished with my private pilot's license already, even with the $135 price tag which flight lessons carry. I should be studying on my off-hours. I should really be pushing myself harder. I should be working toward a goal, advancing my career, securing my future, building a nest egg. And instead, I'm blowing my measly savings on a two-week trip to the United Kingdom. How did I get myself into this mess?
I'll tell you. I didn't get a job for eight months after arriving home from Korea. As my parents told me, "any money is better than no money." Common sense, right? But no. Somehow I still thought things would be different. Different from the six godawful months I spent in my parents' basement in Wyoming after graduating from college, desperately trying (and failing) to find a job in my field. Somehow, I thought, things will shape up this time. I didn't expect to be staying in my parents' house this long. I figured I'd be long gone by December.
So when I arrived home from Korea in July 2009, I thought, "I'd better try to get the highest-paying job possible, so I can save up the maximum amount of money in the shortest amount of time." The proper window for that frame of mind was probably, oh, two seconds. After that, I should've said, "Yeah, I'm not having any luck with this. I should just get any job and be thankful for the money I'm earning." Did I do that? Nope. I continued wasting time, and losing money.
Then I got a job at the local newspaper. Then I got fired. And I thought to myself, "The heck with it. I'm going to focus all my energies on getting my pilot's license instead of working." Brilliant idea, right? Instead of working, I could spend all my time flying, and breeze through the remainder of my training. For some reason, I didn't realize that I was bankrupting myself until after the fact. One day I looked up and discovered that I had used up all my money, couldn't progress any farther in my flight training, couldn't progress anywhere, and still didn't have a job. This is besides inching through my bartender's course so slowly that my future customers have probably all died of thirst.
My luck kicked in again when I landed my current job, chasing drones. It's not a pay upgrade by any means, but it's better than nothing. A lot better: I'm building flight time, which almost makes up for the fact that I'm not taking lessons anymore. No sooner had I begun to rebuild the financial dike when I went and shot everything to hell by booking my flight to England.
And here I am: living paycheck to paycheck, going without things I desperately need (let alone all the stuff I'd like), not progressing anywhere with my alcohol- or aviation-related ambitions, stuck in an agonizing vocational limbo. Here I sit, wondering how it took me so long to see the hole I'd dug, and how long I'd have continued living this way until I finally crashed and burned. If I wasn't living with my parents (insert weak laugh here) I'd have certainly starved to death by now. I need a couple hours to think about all this and come to a decision. Do I cancel my trip to England? Hit the books and bulldoze my way to a pilot's license? Finally save up enough money to move out of my folks' house? Or do I stick with it, go to England, undergo a few more uncomfortable months of pauperism, rebuild the dike once more, and then begin laying the foundations of my aviation career? What should I delay? My future, or part of the hell-raising I wanted to do in my twenties?
It's a terrible choice. No matter which way I turn, I get the feeling that I've wasted precious time. If I don't go to England, I'll regret it forever. I'll never forgive myself for visiting fewer than three continents before age 24. I'll forever feel the reproach of the travel articles I could've written. The beer I could've swilled. The parties I could've rocked. The immaturity I could've indulged in. On the flip side, if I do go—and obtaining my private pilot's license takes that much longer (I'll have been at it for two and a half years come July)—
Well, then I'll really feel like my life is passing me by.
And that, my friends, is my greatest fear. Of all the horror and darkness and death in the world, what I dread most is not having lived. It's awful for anyone to be stuck in limbo. It's a literal hell for me. My parents brought up a good point this evening. I'm good at doing the prep work. I get myself to the starting line. As far as groundwork and foundations are concerned, I'm a freakin' Greek architect. But once I'm at the starting line, there I sit. I can never seem to start. I never go anywhere. I perpetually languish. All I do is "rev my engines."
And now here I am, in my darkened room, staring out at the lights of the city twinkling far below. I'm faced with the hardest choice I've ever encountered Turn my back on a carefree adolescence...? ...or abandon my dreams?
Some choice. I have a plan, though. I'll pass my final practical test on Saturday down in Riverside; get a job within a fortnight; use the ferocious amount of tips I'll (luckily) be making to fund my flight training; finish flight school; and still have my regular salary to pay for the England jaunt. Wish me luck.
12 comments:
Would it be so terrible if you go te England a year later than you planned?
Get your training and career sorted first. Those will be the much needed foundation for the rest of your life.
Holidays can wait.
It wouldn't be terrible. That's actually what I've considered doing.
However, there is still the matter of that plane ticket that I might not be able to get refunded.
I think I can pull this off. If I can, it'll be the last time I'll ever do anything this dumb, I promise. Your advice is sound, and I'll take it from now on.
Speaking from a different perspective, there's a lot to be said for not getting yourself into a situation in your later years where you no longer have ANY choices. A good way to do that is to squander money earlier because you think your life will grind to a halt soon.
There's also something noble about making your own way in the world, even if it is by means that do not stimulate you all the time. I know a number of folks heading towards forty who go from job to job, because they don't feel fulfilled. Yet they tend to wander unsatisfied anyway.
Assuming you're paying attention during your flight lessons, you've got a lot of life left.
(Then again, I DID live in London for a year when I was 18!)
Uh huh. You know what they say about "the best laid plans?"
Don't let any grass grow under your feet with the dreams, but definitely think of the long term goals as well.
Accomplishing one may help accomplish the others.
You seem like a well grounded (no pun intended) person, and though you are facing some tough decisions about your life, at least you have taken the first step. That being acknowledging you may not be able to fulfill all your dreams in the time frame you've established for yourself.
I commend you for laying out all your options in such an orderly manner. Whatever you decide to do, you do it with all the available info; the pros and cons, the rewards and consequences, fully realized.
So I wish you luck in forming and implementing whatever choice you make. I will offer one piece of advice however.
Whatever decision you make and follow through with, don't kick yourself later regardless of the outcome. Too many people make a decision today, live bear the consequences, and regret forever whatever happens because of the plans. It's true what they say about hind sight; but you really can't know now what effect your decisions will have on your later life.
That said: let me make a shameless plug for my own personal bias. Join the Air Force, become an F16 pilot (or a Stealth; now there's a cockpit worth crawling into), and request to be stationed in Great Britain. Paid training in career of choice, paid holiday in your favorite country, all your dreams come true in one neat package. ;)
Good luck honey, in whatever decisions you make. They will be the right choices for this moment in time.
........dhole
As for the book reviews Carrie re-posted; those were excellent. I skimmed through them here when they were first posted, but was too busy to give the post more than a quick glance. I'm glad she brought them to my attention again.
There are days when we're almost the same person. :S
Where I'm from you sit an exam at 11 and go to school based on that. Since you have Brit friends you might know, but if not, it's pretty similar to Harry Potter. Except we didn't study magice at my school.
So, back on topic. I went to the highest academic school. I'm 28 now. The guy who used to sit next to me in 4th form (9th grade) is now a married doctor with his own house. One of my best friends is a middle management accountant. There's all sortsa lawyers and marine biologists and engineers... and then, there's me. I'm an assistant teacher.
But then I think these people are looking at me as the cool one. I mean, I live in Japan for cryin out loud. Japan! And I've seen every continent but Antartica. And I speak 5 languages. And I've eaten crocodile, kangaroo, horse and ostrich.
So maybe I'll never own a house. Maybe I'll never be the boss or rake in the big bucks.
But there are a lot of different paths to happily ever after. And noone can choose yours but you.
Actually, I smiled as I read this. I know -- I'm not supposed to smile as you lay out your financial heart in shreds.
But -- you are young...with dreams and ambition and guts. There is a component to this that you probably don't appreciate. Your youth. You have the luxury of time to crash and burn and rebuild and crash and burn and rebuild again.
You have a lot of enviable choices -- grab one of them and run with it. If the whole thing flops...grab another one and run with it. All along the way you are sucking up valuable experience.
So I smile thinking....yeah, I kinda' would like to be in his shoes. Choices...become a pilot, a bartender, or travel. And if it doesn't work out, try something else. When you are older, you can't have choices like that.
Murrmurr: That's a good point you've got there. I suppose I've got time to try either path. I wasn't expecting to land my dream job right off the bat; I imagine I'll have to slog for it.
WHOA! You lived in London? How was that???
DH: I have heard what they say about the "best-laid plans."
You know...it's not so shameless after all. I've actually been considering the service. Mr. Mooney was in the Air Force and he got to go to England, Alaska, Korea...
I will take your (excellent) advice. No regrets. I promised myself I'd set out into the world and live a life without regrets. Seems I was forgetting that promise. Thanks for the heads-up, friend, and the encouraging words. I'll be back here often to review them if I ever get down in the dumps. And in the meantime...excelsior!
Oh, and glad you enjoyed the reviews! That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks for saying so.
Claire: I have heard a little about the British school system and test standards; didn't know it was the same deal in Barbados. And I know what you mean...people I knew who had high-paying jobs over here looked at me, shook their heads, and said "Wow, man. That's so cool."
I never expected to earn a 401k. I never wanted to be the head of a company or a rising attorney. You didn't either, you know what I'm talking about. We were born to roam, it seems. Thanks for the reminder, I needed it.
Jerry: Smile away! Does my heart good to know that somebody isn't depressed by this whinging.
The luxury of time...I suppose you're right. Me only having lived a little while, it already seems as if my whole life has come and gone. Don't have much perspective. I'm still thinking that my life is going to end at age 40. But I suppose you're correct: I have a bit of time left to crash and burn and rebuild...
I shall do as you advise. Grab a career path and go with it. If the other doesn't work out, I've got the others to fall back on - this was how I envisioned it from the start. Plans B and C. Everything's a learning experience (as my buddy Jeff says, a failure is "learning money").
Glad for the counsel, sir. Thanks for bestowing it upon me. I never really appreciate what a unique position I'm in until you come along and tell me.
You know, bartender's school only takes most people about two weeks. I see folks about your age in there all the time, doing their darnedest. You're a gold mine of perspective and wit, sir. I can just see you up behind the bar quieting the fears and anxieties of customers with an anecdote and a tall drink.
And as any pilot will tell you, it's never too late to learn to fly. I'm the youngest guy on that airport.
Thanks again.
And thanks for the support, you guys. I'll keep you updated on the Grand Master Plan as it progresses hence.
London in 1972 was a place where a seriously inebriated long-haired voluptuous young woman could walk down any street at night without a worry in the world. And, just to make sure, could do it every night for a year.
Or so I've heard.
Congratulations!
Oh Postman, what a terrible decision to have to make. I literally don't know what to say except that I sympathize greatly with you. I am sort of going through the same thing, and I chose the going to Greece for my dig (going to England for you), spending money I don't have, going into debt, living with (ugh) my parents... I just couldn't live with myself if I passed up an oppurtunity like this, you know? Like I would literally be driven crazy wondering what would/could have happened.
Sometimes we have to make choices that separate us from the crowd. Sometimes our priorities are different from every one else's priorities. Sometimes we suck it up and live at home, we have no money to spend on "fun", our friend's are miles ahead of us in getting jobs, etc., but we do it because we have a passion for something out of the ordinary... and we literally give up nice things, pleasant things, in order to fulfill this passion. I say, if you want to go to England, if your passion is truly for travel, then do it. Don't let anything stand in your way, but be prepared for hardships. It's not easy to chose a path different than everyone else.
If not, then look: you just became a bartender! How awesome is that?! You just accomplished one of your dreams!
Bottom line: whatever you chose to do, do it whole-heartedly, and you won't regret it.
I wish you all the best friend.
Murrmurr: You have lived an adventurous life. What courage. I commend thee.
Jane: We are going through EXACTLY the same thing. And our thought processes are identical. I feel as though I'll have missed out on the chance of a lifetime here. I'll regret it forever if I don't go. My spirit cries for lost opportunities. And all that jazz...
I'll steel myself for hardships. It'll be easier after that heartening dose of perspective you bestowed upon me just now. "Whatever you do, do it whole-heartedly, and you won't regret it."
I'll remember that, friend. And thank you.
Wow. Go to England. I'm as penniless as you are and am a doctor. Doing without all kinds of stuff. With enormous student loan debt. My friend pays our rent.
I have the degrees and the jobs, etc. Trust me, those do not a man (or woman) make. I'm starting over all over again in a new state. In my 50's. Just do it. You never know...tomorrow may never come.
Sounds like the big expenses are already covered: ticket and housing (you're staying with friends, right?). Do the rest on the cheap. Forget about being a consumer of goods and just enjoy the experience, the Be-ingness of following the yearning of your soul.
The other stuff will be there waiting for a full-filled, rejuvenated, ready-to-conquer-the-world, you. And, who knows, you may get a Pulitzer Prize winning novel out of the deal. Or at least a best-seller.
I say go for the gusto. Just do it. You CAN have it all!
Rebel: What a goldmine of perspective your comments are. "Tomorrow may never come"...I think that might be what I've been thinking way deep down but wasn't courageous enough to listen to. Heck, you never know what's going to happen, right? Might as well seize a chance. Yep, I'm staying with friends, so room and (for the most part) board should be taken care of. I've a little experience with traveling on the cheap, so it shouldn't be bad.
Go for the gusto, follow the yearning of my soul, and I can have it all! Intoxicating words, Rebel. You better be careful or you'll have me haring off to Tenerife or Calcutta or something.
I'll do as you advise, friend, and thank you.
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