fameless shalsity

Well, I think it's about time I dropped the other shoe and clued you all in about the fibs I told before. Capische? Congratulations to all who were brave enough to take a stab at the truth. None of you succeeded.

1. FALSE. I have never read the Harry Potter series cover-to-cover without stopping. I imagine it would take me a lot longer than 27 hours if I tried (although I'm a fast reader). In college, my buddies and I did watch all six Star Wars movies back-to-back, however. It took us 17 hours. We started at noon and finished up at five in the morning the next day. And indeed, we had pizza, and had to take breaks to go run around the building. We watched 'em in chronological order: new trilogy first (bleh) and then the original (WAHOO!).
2. FALSE. I did not see Dick Cheney speak live at my college. I saw the man himself, George W. Bush. Dubya came to my college and spoke live. And I told you the truth: I was impressed by how natural he was, how poised, how sure of himself. He didn't give a speech, he made no prepared statements. And he never stuttered once. He talked firmly, loudly, and professionally. He was funny. He gibed at the Illinois professor so much that he got us all laughing. I wasn't too sure where my Social Security money was going to end up by the time Bush had finished talking, but that didn't matter. In my mind, this incident cemented the belief that poor ol' George has been unfairly and unpardonably treated by the liberal media regarding his "speech impediments" and poor public speaking skills, which, as it turned out, were nothing more than stage-fright. Give the man a break, I say. Not every president is a natural-born Abe Lincoln or an FDR. Talk to him in person before you judge what you see on the news.
3. FALSE. It wasn't Montgomery, Alabama. It was Atlanta, Georgia. Thought you wouldn't get that one.
4. FALSE. I'm hands-down-triple-Z-abso-freakin'-lutely awful at riddles. I couldn't solve a riddle to save my soul. I always wind up thinking too hard, over-complicating things, overshooting the simpler answer...or worse, not thinking far enough outside the box. You could dangle a ten-billion-dollar bill in front of my face and say, "I build up castles. I tear down mountains. I make some men blind, help others to see. What am I?" I would walk away none the richer. The only time I ever solved a riddle was a month ago; I can only attribute that to a flash of genius borrowed from another dimension. My friend J.H. called me up and asked me "What gets bigger the more you take away from it?" Lucky for him I'd just finished planting a tree. "A hole in the ground," I said, and I was right.
5. TRUE. I've been in only one real car accident. The rest have all been minor things, like backing into stationary objects. The car I wrecked was a 1986 Chrysler LeBaron, dark red finish, leather interior, low mileage. Sweet gangsta Grandma-car. It was bequeathed to me by my grandfather, who was managing my late great-uncle's estate. And I wrecked it a mere three months and 1,000 miles after getting it for free. Nice one, Postman.
6. FALSE. I can't play the Jew's harp. I don't understand the concept behind it at all.
7. FALSE. There was absinthe at my last cocktail party, purchased and served with my own hands...but I didn't taste it. I was working the next morning and didn't want to take a chance on something 120-proof. Maybe next time. I'll let you know how it goes.

You probably think I made these too difficult. Well, you're right. I'm a hard master when it comes to tests and quizzes.

I'm going to go laugh myself silly with sadistic joy now. Try to have a good rest of your day, now that I've shattered all of your illusions of being on Jeopardy!

And by the way, the answer is "sand."